Alabama House Bill 314 aka Human Life Protection Act, and colloquially known as the Heartbeat Bill or abortion ban, has stirred up a lot of controversy since it passed in May of 2019. Abortion is possibly the most divisive issue in the modern U.S. – maybe surpassed only by immigration, which the right sees as preserving our culture and the left sees as racism. What if I were to tell you that both of these issues could be easily solved?

People on the right support the so-called Heartbeat Bill for protecting gobs of cells that they view as a human life. Not only because it pushes back when a woman can get an abortion, which will reduce the number of abortions, but also because it could become an opportunity to re-litigate Roe v. Wade. Never mind that any honest Christian American will save the life of one single ten-year-old girl in a building fire above a whole dewar of living embryos, they insist that the meeting of a one-night-stand’s grunted out splooge from some horny asshole and his drunk prom-date’s Fallopian discharge is morally equivalent to a person. Perhaps the only thing more worrying to the right than abortion is shifting demographics in the U.S., with whites projected to become a minority by ca. 2045 which hasn’t happened since America’s earlier immigrants from Asia fought so poorly to defend it against the unhygienic zealots that stumbled drunkenly across the pond.

The left, on the other hand, view the Heartbeat Bill as an attack on a woman’s right to to take drugs that starve the embryo so they can queef it our later or have it hoovered out by overpriced vacuum cleaners, particularly women of color. This latter aspect is of no small consequence to the intelligentsia of the left, particularly with the rise of racial equity as proposed policy – essentially, artificially equalizing the outcomes of things like hiring practices to reflect demographics as opposed to, you know, just asking what people actually want to do. What could go wrong with that? This means, though, that there isn’t such thing as human rights, but instead demographic rights – one’s rights are based on what intersectional groups one belongs to. Sounds like a recipe to stamp out bigotry to me.

Both these things can be fixed with my modest proposal. If abortion is a right, and rights are based on ones intersectional privilege scale in order to attain racial equity, then abortion should be a right afforded based on intersectionality. Therefore, white women should not be allowed to get abortions. People of color can get abortions for free (aka paid for by the future). This then serves the purpose of upholding racial equity, satisfying the left, and reducing the population of people of color, keeping white people as the majority race and satisfying the right. It’s that simple. Your welcome, everyone!